Absurd and Askew

Driving to work this morning, I'm cruising along behind a van that's going the 45 mph speed limit. Not too bad. I'd prefer at least 5 over, but he's not driving below the limit, so that's cool with me. I hate it when people drive below the limit. Especially when the speed limit signs are clearly posted on this particular road every half-mile or so.

About a third of the way to work, some dumb ass pulls out of a side street right in front of the van in front of me. Not only does he pull out super slow, causing the van (and, subsequently, me) to have to brake, but he charges his little clunker up to a grand 35 mph. (Remember that posted speed limit sign.) Ok, that was annoying. I called him a dumb ass under my breath, but what can you do?

It was about that time that the bitch in the sporty little gray VW came speeding up behind me. She was obviously in a huge hurry for wherever it was she was going because she started tail-gating me, even though she could clearly see the slow moving van in front of me. Not that she could see the idiot in front of the van that was actually causing the crawl, but she decided to teach me a lesson by keeping our bumpers within kissing distance. As if that would do any good. After all, she was in a hurry, dammit, and the rest of the civilized world was not going to slow her down.

If you know me, you know I have zero tolerance for tail-gaters. It's rude and dangerous and... just so incredibly rude. I don't ever go below the speed limit, and very rarely do I go at the exact limit unless I know it's a speed trap area. So why be hatin' on me, you tail-gating sons-a-bitches? Back off at least half a car length, please! Anyway, I'll do everything in my power to piss off tail-gaters even more. It's fun to watch their expressions in my rear view mirror.

So, there we were. An idiot holding up traffic, a van in front, me, and the bitch tailing me. At one point, she actually had the lady-like balls to swerve out to the left of me waaay into the oncoming lane to see what the hell was making that van go so slowly. Too bad she didn't get clipped by an oncoming car because I know she couldn't see around the van to tell if anyone was coming before she swerved out to take a look. Rude bitch. I mean, honestly, she absolutely knew what was going on (there's a slow car somewhere ahead.. duh!), yet she was stupid enough to be tail-gating me to make everyone ahead go faster. Genius.

Eventually the dumb ass in front of the van pulled off onto a crossing road. The van sped back up to the normal 45 mph. That wasn't good enough for her, of course. She continued to stick to my bumper. But I had an ace up my sleeve. I knew that up ahead the road widened to two lanes on either side. She probably knew that, too. But I also knew that Mr. Van liked to go the speed limit, and no more than that.

We get to the section where the road widens into two lanes. I speed up to go around the van, as I'm sure she expected someone driving a bright yellow Mustang GT with plates that say "horsepower" to do. I'm sure she's thinking, "Finally!" But does she realize what an ass she was just being to the one person that could let her get ahead of the slow people? Nope. Because the world revolves around her, remember? No way I'm letting her off that easy.

I speed up just enough to get me alongside the van that loves to go the exact speed limit... and that's where I stay. She's still trapped behind both of us, poor thing, and she's looking a little pissed in the rear view mirror. I hope she can see me smiling. Ah, sweet satisfaction. Hey, speeding is breaking the law, missy. I'm keeping your speed problem in check right now. I wouldn't have had to take these measures if you'd just backed the fuck off my bumper!!

So, me and the van cruise along side-by-side for about a quarter of a mile before I have to turn. She's still tail-gating me, of course. Trying to push me. I don't budge because if she nails me, she's paying for it. With that nice shiny car, I know she has insurance.

I put on my turn signal like the good, respectful little driver that I am. Hers comes on, too. I turn, she follows, onto a 50 mph road. I gun it, so does she. When she catches up (catches up... haha), she starts tailing me again. I'm going between 55 and 60. She's just pissed at me now. I hit my brakes (gasp... was that a squirrel I saw in the road?). In my rear view mirror, I can see her long hair flop forward as she panics and hits hers. She backs off. Way off this time. She came a thin, wispy hair from rear-ending me and she knows it. She falls back, leaving about 3 car lengths between us, and that's where she stays the rest of the drive. Lesson learned, at least for this trek. I'm sure she'll forget it by the time she leaves for home.

I just don't get the tail-gaters logic. May I ask why those of you who tail-gate think that getting on someone's bumper will make them either go faster or get out of your way? Does that ever actually work? Are you just stupid enough to believe that it will work or is it your way of punishing people for being in front of you? (How dare they get on the road before you!)

Idiots.