Absurd and Askew

If you're in the unfortunate position of making sales calls for a living, no matter who you're working for, you should probably read this. I'm sure it won't change your practices (because you're most likely scripted anyway), and it won't impact your life, but it's something I just have to say and you might be interested to know.

I work for a small company -- 7 employees in total. We all answer the phones here except for the owner, but I tend to be the one who ends up answering them the majority of the time just because I'm unfortunately good at this particular aspect of it -- weeding out all the sales calls.

We have a fake voicemail account set up here, with a fake employee (I'll call him Jim), and that's where we're dumping your calls when we "transfer you to his voicemail." We're fully aware that more often than not, you're taking Jim's voicemail just so you can get his name, and not to actually leave a message for him. What this means is, when you note Jim's name in your call records as the contact person, and you call back and ask for Jim, we know right off that you're a solicitor. Guess what? Jim's always unavailable and you'll always get dumped right back into the non-existent Jim's voicemail.

We generally know you're a sales person by a few key things you say or by the background noise. You're not hiding anything.

If your call starts with "I need to speak to the person in charge of," you're getting dumped to Jim.

If you say you're with our toner supply company and you're updating records and could I please give you the make and model number of our copier or printer, you don't get dumped to Jim. What happens here is we ask you what company you're with and you promptly hang up on us. (That one makes me laugh every time.)

If you call and you're asking your buddy sitting next to you to get you some Skittles while he's down there, then you notice that we've answered and say you need to speak to so-and-so (the dreaded Melita dialer delay syndrome), we know you're a sales person. The person you ask for, no matter who it is, is automatically "unavailable." If you get me on the phone, I'm likely to interrupt your request just to tell you that.

If you ask to update information and the words "free subscription" are anywhere in your sentence, you're automatically told that we can't update anyone's information.

If you get me, and I tell you so-and-so is unavailable, knowing full well that you're a sales person, don't bother asking me when is the best time to reach so-and-so. You'll get the same response from me every time. I've perfected it. It goes like this: "You can try back at any time you want." Sometimes, if I'm 100% certain it's a sales call, I'll tack onto the end of that, "but you have to get through me first."

Don't bother asking for a cell phone number or an email address unless we can identify you as a name we know or you can identify yourself as a family member.

Here's a few of my favorites...

I had a guy call in for our owner, obviously a sales call because he asked for him like he was an old friend, but I could hear all the other sales people on their phones in the background. Here's how the conversation went (changing my boss' name to protect the innocent.. haha):

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: Is John there? (lots of other sales call chatter in the background)
Me: He's unavailable. Would you like his voice mail?
Guy: Can I get his cell number?
Me: I'm not allowed to give that out.
Guy: I have it already, but I left it at home. I'm at work.
Me: I can't give that out, sir. You'll have to go home and get it.
Guy: I can't do that! My home is 2 hours away.
Me: I can hear the other sales people in the background.
Guy: That's not sales people. That's my wife. She won't shut up.
Me: Why is your wife at the office with you instead of at home two hours away?
(CLICK)

Yeah, he hung up on me. Go figure. Here's another favorite:

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: Is John there?
Me: He's unavailable. Would you like his voice mail?
Guy: What's his cell phone number?
Me: I can't give that out, sir.
Guy: I'm an old friend of his.
Me: Yeah? What's his wife's name?
(CLICK)

Lol! Sometimes, if I'm in one of those moods, I'll play with them just to entertain myself. This is the "Skittles" one I mentioned earlier:

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: (Sales call chatter in the background) Hey can you get me some Skittles while you're down there?
Me: (waiting)
Guy: Here's a buck.
Me: Hello?
Guy: Hello?
Me: May I help you?
Guy: Is this XYZ Corporation?
Me: Yes.
Guy: Is Dr. Ownerguy in?
Me: Not at the moment. He's downstairs getting your Skittles.
Guy: Shit.
(CLICK)

That was a good one. :)