Absurd and Askew

Rest in peace, Chance. My first dog and 12 long years as my shadow. 5-year breast cancer survivor. 3/30/09... cancer won.

I'm not normally one to go "selling" a product on my blog. For this little miracle , however, I have to tell everyone who owns a pet. I'm not being paid for this. I don't get a commission. I'm just blogging about it because it's finally a product that does exactly what it promises.

This weekend, I bought and had delivered a new sectional sofa for our living room. I'm so incredibly in love with this thing that I'm considering letting my husband have the bed and sleeping on the sofa instead, just to be closer to it. It's a big manufactured seude sofa in the most luscious deep red (what the manufacturer calls "Tuscan Red"). Here's a picture of it.



Now you may also notice in the picture that there's a dog on it (that's my baby boy Vai), and don't forget to notice the cat's head at the bottom of the picture. That's Willie. Willie has long, fine black and white fur (his coloring looks like that of a cow). Vai has some white fur on him, too. In addition to Vai and Willie, there's the other three dogs (Chance, Nuno and Satch) and one more cat (Sara). Three of our four dogs have white on them. The last one, Satch, is a scruffy white terrier mix (i.e., long, coarse white fur). Needless to say, we have a lot of shedding going on in our house. Shedding -- especially of white fur -- doesn't mix so well with a deep red sofa.

I saw a tv commercial this weekend for the Pledge Fabric Sweeper, so when I went to the store, I decided to give it a try. WOW! I will attest that this is one of the best inventions ever for pet owners. Whether you have one dog or cat, or you're like our house with multiples of both, you're going to want to get one of these.

The drawback is that it's disposable. Once the plastic container fills up, you toss it and buy another. Mine came with two $1 off coupons, though. And if you're like me and just don't want to impact the environment by throwing away all those plastic things, you can just modify it so you can empty and re-use it (yes, it's possible... follow this link... Modify a Pledge Fabric Sweeper).

From the mouth of someone who has 6 shedding pets and is forever cleaning up fur, this gadget is like waving a magic wand over your furniture. It really does work. And it makes my seude sofa look like I'd just vacuumed it.

Here's a quick tip for those of you with pets, in case you haven't found this out already. Spray your furniture with Static Guard, wait a few minutes, then clean it (no matter how you clean it). Static Guard will make it so much easier to get the fur off, even if your just rubbing it into a little ball with your hands and then picking it off. It works. Try it.

So that's my product endorsement for the day. Not that I do this daily -- or ever -- but when I find something that actually works, I like the spread the good news.

Driving to work this morning, I'm cruising along behind a van that's going the 45 mph speed limit. Not too bad. I'd prefer at least 5 over, but he's not driving below the limit, so that's cool with me. I hate it when people drive below the limit. Especially when the speed limit signs are clearly posted on this particular road every half-mile or so.

About a third of the way to work, some dumb ass pulls out of a side street right in front of the van in front of me. Not only does he pull out super slow, causing the van (and, subsequently, me) to have to brake, but he charges his little clunker up to a grand 35 mph. (Remember that posted speed limit sign.) Ok, that was annoying. I called him a dumb ass under my breath, but what can you do?

It was about that time that the bitch in the sporty little gray VW came speeding up behind me. She was obviously in a huge hurry for wherever it was she was going because she started tail-gating me, even though she could clearly see the slow moving van in front of me. Not that she could see the idiot in front of the van that was actually causing the crawl, but she decided to teach me a lesson by keeping our bumpers within kissing distance. As if that would do any good. After all, she was in a hurry, dammit, and the rest of the civilized world was not going to slow her down.

If you know me, you know I have zero tolerance for tail-gaters. It's rude and dangerous and... just so incredibly rude. I don't ever go below the speed limit, and very rarely do I go at the exact limit unless I know it's a speed trap area. So why be hatin' on me, you tail-gating sons-a-bitches? Back off at least half a car length, please! Anyway, I'll do everything in my power to piss off tail-gaters even more. It's fun to watch their expressions in my rear view mirror.

So, there we were. An idiot holding up traffic, a van in front, me, and the bitch tailing me. At one point, she actually had the lady-like balls to swerve out to the left of me waaay into the oncoming lane to see what the hell was making that van go so slowly. Too bad she didn't get clipped by an oncoming car because I know she couldn't see around the van to tell if anyone was coming before she swerved out to take a look. Rude bitch. I mean, honestly, she absolutely knew what was going on (there's a slow car somewhere ahead.. duh!), yet she was stupid enough to be tail-gating me to make everyone ahead go faster. Genius.

Eventually the dumb ass in front of the van pulled off onto a crossing road. The van sped back up to the normal 45 mph. That wasn't good enough for her, of course. She continued to stick to my bumper. But I had an ace up my sleeve. I knew that up ahead the road widened to two lanes on either side. She probably knew that, too. But I also knew that Mr. Van liked to go the speed limit, and no more than that.

We get to the section where the road widens into two lanes. I speed up to go around the van, as I'm sure she expected someone driving a bright yellow Mustang GT with plates that say "horsepower" to do. I'm sure she's thinking, "Finally!" But does she realize what an ass she was just being to the one person that could let her get ahead of the slow people? Nope. Because the world revolves around her, remember? No way I'm letting her off that easy.

I speed up just enough to get me alongside the van that loves to go the exact speed limit... and that's where I stay. She's still trapped behind both of us, poor thing, and she's looking a little pissed in the rear view mirror. I hope she can see me smiling. Ah, sweet satisfaction. Hey, speeding is breaking the law, missy. I'm keeping your speed problem in check right now. I wouldn't have had to take these measures if you'd just backed the fuck off my bumper!!

So, me and the van cruise along side-by-side for about a quarter of a mile before I have to turn. She's still tail-gating me, of course. Trying to push me. I don't budge because if she nails me, she's paying for it. With that nice shiny car, I know she has insurance.

I put on my turn signal like the good, respectful little driver that I am. Hers comes on, too. I turn, she follows, onto a 50 mph road. I gun it, so does she. When she catches up (catches up... haha), she starts tailing me again. I'm going between 55 and 60. She's just pissed at me now. I hit my brakes (gasp... was that a squirrel I saw in the road?). In my rear view mirror, I can see her long hair flop forward as she panics and hits hers. She backs off. Way off this time. She came a thin, wispy hair from rear-ending me and she knows it. She falls back, leaving about 3 car lengths between us, and that's where she stays the rest of the drive. Lesson learned, at least for this trek. I'm sure she'll forget it by the time she leaves for home.

I just don't get the tail-gaters logic. May I ask why those of you who tail-gate think that getting on someone's bumper will make them either go faster or get out of your way? Does that ever actually work? Are you just stupid enough to believe that it will work or is it your way of punishing people for being in front of you? (How dare they get on the road before you!)

Idiots.

Between 1985 and 1988, I lived within an abusive relationship. Abusive both emotionally and, eventually, physically. When I'd finally had enough (or been enlightened, however you want to describe it), I gathered male friends and family around me for protection and I kicked him out. He came back once to collect some things he'd left behind, called me some pretty nasty things, and spit on me on the way out the door. Thank God that was all he did.

I came across the following information on the internet and I want to post it for anyone who has found themselves in an abusive relationship. If you see yourself here, or even just in a few of these, start thinking about how to end it... how to leave. Especially if you have children. No matter how many "good points" he has, it's not worth it. It doesn't get better. He doesn't grow out of it. It isn't a phase. If anything, it only gets worse. It defeats your self-esteem. It gives you a warped sense of what love truly is. Trust me, it's NOT about love. It's about control.

*************************

Recognizing what behaviors are part of domestic violence is not always easy, even for victims themselves. This is, in part, because domestic violence is much more than physical abuse. In fact, many battered women who are controlled by their partners and who live in danger and fear have never been physically assaulted.

Understanding what domestic violence is means being aware of the many different things abusers do to control their partners. The following checklist of behaviors may help you decide if you or someone you know is being abused.

Does your partner…

Use emotional and psychological control?

• Call you names, yell, put you down, make racial or homophobic slurs, or constantly criticize or undermine you and your abilities as a wife, partner or mother?


• Behave in an overprotective way or become extremely jealous?


• Make it difficult for you to see family and friends, or "bad-mouth" your family and friends?


• Prevent you from going where you want to, when you want to, and with whomever you want to?


• Humiliate or embarrass you in front of other people?

Use economic control?

• Deny you access to family assets like bank accounts, credit cards or a car?


• Control all the finances, force you to account for what you spend or take your money?


• Prevent you from getting or keeping a job or from going to school?


• Limit your access to health, prescription and/or dental insurance?

Make threats?

• Threaten to report you to the authorities (the police, courts or child protective services) for something you didn't do?


• Threaten to harm or kidnap the children?


• Make you afraid by using looks, actions or gestures?


• Display weapons as a way of making you afraid or directly threaten you with weapons?


• Use anger or "loss of temper" as a threat to get you to do what he wants?


• Threaten to expose your sexual orientation to friends, family or employer, if you are gay or lesbian?


• Threaten to report you to INS or immigration?

Commit acts of physical violence?

• Carry out threats to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends or himself?


• Destroy personal property or throw things around?


• Grab, push, hit, punch, slap, kick, choke or bite you?


• Force you to have sex when you don't want to or to engage in sexual acts that you don't want to do?


• Prevent you from taking medications or getting medical care?


• Deny you access to food, fluids or sleep?

These are some of the most common tactics used by abusers to control their partners, they are but certainly not the only ones. If your partner does things that restrict your personal freedom or make you afraid, you may be a victim of domestic violence. To find help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

Information from the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, www.opdv.state.ny.us. Copyright © NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence.

I saw this headline on Discovery News:

Shark Attacks Down in 2008 as Economy Tanks

My unsolicited comment to this is: I disagree. 2008 was the worst year in history for shark attacks. Bernie Madoff accounts for 4,000 of them. Maybe they were just counting him as one big nasty shark. I say you can't count the shark who attacked, you have to count the victims.

If you're in the unfortunate position of making sales calls for a living, no matter who you're working for, you should probably read this. I'm sure it won't change your practices (because you're most likely scripted anyway), and it won't impact your life, but it's something I just have to say and you might be interested to know.

I work for a small company -- 7 employees in total. We all answer the phones here except for the owner, but I tend to be the one who ends up answering them the majority of the time just because I'm unfortunately good at this particular aspect of it -- weeding out all the sales calls.

We have a fake voicemail account set up here, with a fake employee (I'll call him Jim), and that's where we're dumping your calls when we "transfer you to his voicemail." We're fully aware that more often than not, you're taking Jim's voicemail just so you can get his name, and not to actually leave a message for him. What this means is, when you note Jim's name in your call records as the contact person, and you call back and ask for Jim, we know right off that you're a solicitor. Guess what? Jim's always unavailable and you'll always get dumped right back into the non-existent Jim's voicemail.

We generally know you're a sales person by a few key things you say or by the background noise. You're not hiding anything.

If your call starts with "I need to speak to the person in charge of," you're getting dumped to Jim.

If you say you're with our toner supply company and you're updating records and could I please give you the make and model number of our copier or printer, you don't get dumped to Jim. What happens here is we ask you what company you're with and you promptly hang up on us. (That one makes me laugh every time.)

If you call and you're asking your buddy sitting next to you to get you some Skittles while he's down there, then you notice that we've answered and say you need to speak to so-and-so (the dreaded Melita dialer delay syndrome), we know you're a sales person. The person you ask for, no matter who it is, is automatically "unavailable." If you get me on the phone, I'm likely to interrupt your request just to tell you that.

If you ask to update information and the words "free subscription" are anywhere in your sentence, you're automatically told that we can't update anyone's information.

If you get me, and I tell you so-and-so is unavailable, knowing full well that you're a sales person, don't bother asking me when is the best time to reach so-and-so. You'll get the same response from me every time. I've perfected it. It goes like this: "You can try back at any time you want." Sometimes, if I'm 100% certain it's a sales call, I'll tack onto the end of that, "but you have to get through me first."

Don't bother asking for a cell phone number or an email address unless we can identify you as a name we know or you can identify yourself as a family member.

Here's a few of my favorites...

I had a guy call in for our owner, obviously a sales call because he asked for him like he was an old friend, but I could hear all the other sales people on their phones in the background. Here's how the conversation went (changing my boss' name to protect the innocent.. haha):

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: Is John there? (lots of other sales call chatter in the background)
Me: He's unavailable. Would you like his voice mail?
Guy: Can I get his cell number?
Me: I'm not allowed to give that out.
Guy: I have it already, but I left it at home. I'm at work.
Me: I can't give that out, sir. You'll have to go home and get it.
Guy: I can't do that! My home is 2 hours away.
Me: I can hear the other sales people in the background.
Guy: That's not sales people. That's my wife. She won't shut up.
Me: Why is your wife at the office with you instead of at home two hours away?
(CLICK)

Yeah, he hung up on me. Go figure. Here's another favorite:

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: Is John there?
Me: He's unavailable. Would you like his voice mail?
Guy: What's his cell phone number?
Me: I can't give that out, sir.
Guy: I'm an old friend of his.
Me: Yeah? What's his wife's name?
(CLICK)

Lol! Sometimes, if I'm in one of those moods, I'll play with them just to entertain myself. This is the "Skittles" one I mentioned earlier:

Me: Good afternoon, XYZ Corporation.
Guy: (Sales call chatter in the background) Hey can you get me some Skittles while you're down there?
Me: (waiting)
Guy: Here's a buck.
Me: Hello?
Guy: Hello?
Me: May I help you?
Guy: Is this XYZ Corporation?
Me: Yes.
Guy: Is Dr. Ownerguy in?
Me: Not at the moment. He's downstairs getting your Skittles.
Guy: Shit.
(CLICK)

That was a good one. :)